COS letter to self

Okay, so it has been roughly two and a half months since I last wrote. Ooops. 

So update: I have less than 39 days in Peace Corps (but who’s counting, really?). I cannot believe there is so little time left! The rest of my group actually leaves in about a week and a half, and I cannot imagine how they must be feeling about this time.

What you have missed…The start of school, new friendships, Ooh I came out to a few people, oh, and COS conference. I think I am going to start there.

One of the activities that Peace Corps has us do in training before they send us to site is have us write a letter to our future selves, then at COS conference, almost two years later they give the letters back to us. I really didn’t remember at all what mine said, and was pleasantly surprised to see that I wasn’t a complete smart-ass through out the entirety of it.
Today I have decided to share with you that letter, it’s a little all over the place and for me it was a great reminder of where I have been and the journey.

Here you go:

“Dear self,

Hopefully you get better at this cheesy shit, because something tells me this is how the PC rolls. Tomorrow you/we/I are/am headed to site The beautiful Sololá, you’re a little nervous because how the hell do you begin integrating, also you’re still fumbling around trying to figure out what healthy schools…is. Also, your Spanish kinda sucks, I mean, it’s better, but you don’t know what past subjunctive is…if you know what I mean ;) which you don’t, which is why it’s funny. Ha. Ha. At this moment I’m still in disbelief that I made it here. Who would’ve thought? Remember when people said ‘high school, the best years of your life’? What a bunch of idiots. These, these are going to be amongst the best years of my life, at least they will be as long as you don’t get in your own way, as is our MO. There are so many things that I want to see but all I can think of is that stupid Hyperbole and a half bout the letter to herself, focus! So right now you are crazy non-confident (there’s a word for that, but English has recently started to cuesta). Hopefully that will change by the time you re-read this. I know you/I are/am capable. I have already done/been through so much. We’ve blown everyone’s expectations for us out of the water, so the rest is gravy, baby. At the moment _____is your hero because she is a total badass and has an adorable kiddo and a family and a job that she is good at and enjoys and she has shown you that it Is possible to balance all of these things. Also, learn to be your own hero (Whipit reference, yeah!).

Right now you aren’t feeling homesick, you’ve never really felt homesick. Change that. Make a home worth missing, be a part of the community. When you get in your sad, broody moods I hope you have learned to call people and let them be there for you, it’s not weakness.

I hope by the time you read this you have “found” yourself or whatever the hell that means, and it you haven’t then I hope that you’ve decided to keep looking Also, I hope that you made a bucket list and marked a few of the things on there off. Add to that list to loosen up, embrace the chaos and messiness that is Guatemala I hope you have done a good job at keep in contact with Mattie She officially won’t be a kid anymore when you read this She will be on her way to college (which reminds me, haha you’re old) and within the last six months or so you have had to make hard decisions, to stay or to go. If only foresight were 20/20, hell I swear half the time my hindsight isn’t even 20/20. Anyway, choose wisely. I hope you chose what was right for you regardless of what anyone back home has said. At this point you haven’t spoken much to Faja and have only spoken to mom twice.  I hope you have been able to take a couple steps down the road to forgiveness with her. I know lately things have been harder than in the past or maybe things are just rising to the surface now, but I hope you are able to push through the bullshit and pain and start to move on. I know Krystal will be a big factor in deciding to stay or go, but she is your future and if things don’t work out now they will in the future. Try to patch things over a bit with Beth. It will be worth it one day. (Real talk) you are lonely, more insecure than maybe ever in your adult life, you are unhappy in San Luis, you feel left out of the group, you either haven’t found or don’t have a spot in this group, relax. Don’t try so hard or worry, it’s okay to be weird-old you, you have the potential to be such a kick ass person, every once in a while when I reflect on a day I feel proud. I hope you become better at that. Remember, it’s okay to be a little selfish, loving yourself and forgiving yourself is going to be extremely difficult and a long process, but you’re worth it, so as of today, I am officially working on it.

Today you hope in two years you will be FLUENT! Impressed people with your K’iche (well, at least learned the basics), started/continued kids’ groups, climbed volcanoes! Made Guatemalan friend, been honest about your feelings (with everyone) for no other reason than because you should. 

I really hope you didn’t compromise yourself or settle.

And always remember: It’s not the broken dreams that break us but the ones we didn’t dare to dream.

Congrats, you did it, you are a total bad ass, get ready for the next chapter of your life. Go call Mattie, Sass, and Maggie, tell them you love them and will see them soon.

Love,

Me!”

Re-reading this was very bittersweet for me with mentions of people I have lost contact with, an ex-partner, things I wanted to complete or accomplish but didn’t, but as I finished reading it, I decided that I wouldn’t have changed any part of it.

38 days left.