I am a bad Catholic

I am a really bad Catholic for many reasons. The first, and most obvious, being that I’m not actually Catholic; fortunately for me, my family here is! At least once a week I get to go to mass with D.S. (my calidad host mama) and basically be lost for two hours.

 The second reason I am a bad catholic is because I have the most inappropriate thoughts at church. By inappropriate I don’t necessarily mean sexual, just the most out of place.

Today while they were reciting some prayer (that I didn’t understand) I randomly thought, damn I miss drag shows. Literally, no idea where that came from. I then replay the last drag show I went to in my mind, I am somehow staring ahead at this tiny man in a purple smock (I don’t think smock is the technical term, but no one is fooling me, it’s a smock) while picturing Pat yo’ weave busting it out to Missy Eliot, like a jefe (boss). That immediately segues into a scene from Law & Order SVU, I am pretty sure because they were saying the Lord’s Prayer and I always think about what an awesome Catholic Eliot was. Naturally thinking about SVU landslides into thoughts about how the father (preacher? what are the Catholic dudes called? It doesn’t really matter, smock man) might secretly be leading a double life where he follows the route of other not awesome catholic smock men. Luckily my brain hits a brick wall and immediately changes trains of thought and before I know it I am thinking about oompa loompas. I am pretty sure it’s because the song they are singing kinda has the same melody (except completely different) but really it’s because everyone is SO tiny, and dancing a little, and the smock man up front is the tiniest and a little orange. In any case, I am now singing Oompa Loompa Oompity Do when I realize I don’t actually know the words to that song, so instead “Drop It Low” comes on in my crazed noggin. Luckily for me it was time to kneel down on those wooden two by fours and say penance or hail Mary’s or something. Drop it drop it low girl, drop it drop it low, and I AM because I am kneeling to pretend to pray…except that I am the tallest person in this church so as I am trying to kneel I end up kicking the pew behind me and almost falling over. Grace. As I kneel there for what seems to be forever my only thought it wow, this is boring. Boring is the magical word in my brain that starts some sort of internal memory shuffle, and much like an ipod my brain goes straight for the one song that you don’t want to hear. I am trying to quietly meditate with splinters shoving in my knees when suddenly…ASS ASS ASS ASS, ASS ASS ASS ASS  starts playing. This is the soundtrack of my Masses:

Missy Eliot (clearly the raunchiest)

Dance, ASS

Drop it Low

The Oompa Loompa Song.

Then to add insult to injury the smock man flings water at us before leaving. What a jerk. During the whole water throwing endeavor my only real thoughts are, he’s three rows away, how do I hide behind all of these 5’2” people( which in my head looks like a dino hiding behind Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree) oh no, two rows, at this point I know I’m cornered, there’s nowhere to go and I know  that the water I am about to be ungraciously showered with is most certainly not agua pura which means it probably has fecal material in it. Shit. Is washing off hold water a sin? Not that I care, I am just curious.

On the way out I also received a pamphlet entitled “Guia para una Buena Confesion” or guide to a guide confession. It’s like they know me. I would probably retell the story of Walking Dead if I had to go to confession. Forgive me father for I have sinned, I woke up in a deserted hospital wearing only a gown and had to fight my way out from walkers. Just kidding, I would call them zombies, and I certainly would not be Rick if I were going to steal the story line.

AND that’s why I am a horrible Catholic