Back from vacation

Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.

Exulansis: The tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it.

Rückkehrunruhe: The feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness.

These are just a few of the words that capture some of the odd feels that happened on my trip. None of them are bad, just new emotions, and words, and I thought they were awesome, so sharing seemed like the logical things to do.

Ahem.

Yesterday I arrived home after a 20 day trip to the states to see most of your lovely faces! What a fun, interesting, completely necessary escapade that was.

It’s so hard to explain what a surreal adventure it is to be in a place that has been home for so long only to come back to it and realize everything and yet nothing has changed. I had the opportunity to see sooo many friends, many of whom had babies, tiny human who I completely missed the entire gestation process for and many other firsts. Or people who had babies or children who were suddenly now children or nearing adulthood (respectively).  Dear friends with children, thank you for allowing me to see your kiddos, it was an amazing experience to see combinations of some of my favorite people in tiny human form. I mean children.

I have found that returning to Guatemala I am asked the same questions I was asked in the states, how was it, what did you like etc. and I think I have just decided that I don’t know how to articulate things anymore, especially not in person, or in complete sentences, so I am going to write a short (maybe?) breakdown of thoughts/feelings etc. :

Thoughts for people in the states on living in Guatemala:

It’s amazing. It’s weird, isolating, inviting, generous, unpredictable, indescribable, challenging in EVERY way possible. Sexist. Racist. HOMOPHOBIC as shit. Poverty stricken, rich in many ways…Overwhelming, underwhelming, all the things in between…and it is normally all of these things at the same time.

Basically it’s like being on a rollercoaster, in a time warp, during a hurricane while on some mixture of acid, LSD, all of the weed, and PCP (because why not).

Thoughts on how it is being back in Guatemala:

Fucking lonely. Overly crowded. Familiar, really, really familiar. I feel like I never left in some ways, many ways (Rückkehrunruhe). It’s nice to be back; I love some of these people, and deeply missed them. It is also a very real awakening that the next time I leave I won’t be coming back, or if I do, it won’t be for a very long time.

How it was to be in the states:

So. Many. White. People.But for reals. It was weird to blend in again. I have become rather accustomed to being watched and children touching me or pointing and whispering. That didn’t happen, so it was nice to be somewhat anonymous again. I felt a little guilty to be indulging in things, looking at prices of items bought, converting that into Quetzales and imagining how people back home could use that money in a better way. It was wonderful to see people. I really, really needed that. It’s very easy to get lost here, to start to believe what people say about you, people who don’t know you outside of this vacuum, and it was nice to be reminded that I am still…me, just a very different version of me. In many ways it was very overwhelming. English is weird. I missed Spanish, or maybe I just missed Spanglish.

My dad turns 50! He hasn’t technically turned 50 yet, but this was a bittersweet thing for me. I was so happy that I could celebrate early with him, but hate that I won’t actually be able to tease him on his actual birthday. Just kidding, you’re still going to get a call, Faja.

The differences in leaving the second time:

My flight was delayed overnight.

And it didn’t bother me. I for the most part am not this ridiculous hot mess of nervous energy (for the most part, there are still certain people who make me a nervous, bumbling fool of a mess, and I hope they know who they are and don’t just assume that is my normal conversation style).

I didn’t cry. I didn’t actually have hardly any emotion at all, yay for being dead inside! 

I knew when I would be seeing my loved ones next, and that was very comforting

I got to the airport Guate airport alone, and preferred it that way. I knew what was going on; I spoke the language and wasn’t caught off guard by the mob on the other side of the airport doors.

I landed and felt a warmth and happiness to be there, no fear, just resignation and peace.

When I stepped off the plane I thought “let’s do this” and was ready.

The similarities in leaving:

To me the one that stands out the most is having a heavy heart, being sad to leave a woman who I care deeply for, and was not ready to say good-bye to yet.

My bag was overweight.

 TSA is still the bane of most peoples’ existence.

I was still full of nervous excitement at going to the PC office.

My bag was full of toys for bribing children, and chocolate for my own sanity, and my heart was full of all the amazing people that consist of the place I still call “home” stateside, my wonderful dorky sister, my parental units, my friends who I would be absolutely lost without, my wife J, my sockmate, and many new, ridiculous memories.