Adventures In Guatemala (and elsewhere): Swear in

Swear in day! Holy shit it’s finally here. I wish I could put into words how excited I am about today. It was literally the best day I can remember since the day Mattie was born (this is a massive thing y’all, though Mattie’s birth still trumps all). Today I was allowed the privilege of joining one of the other 4,000 people to serve our country as a Guatemalan peace corps volunteer. Lately I have had some struggles with my language group, which also means the otras aspirantes in my town and I have felt really secluded and pretty alone as of late; but today I felt connected. I felt a part of something greater, I actually felt confident in my decision in something. And this is the biggest part, after the day was over, I came home. That statement doesn’t mean much to many people; it sounds remarkably mediocre and run of the mill, and that’s because it is, to almost everyone, but not to me. After swearing in, reaching my goal of so long, I came home to my family. As I was sitting at the table with them joking about the day I felt so comfortable, so loved, and accepted, and I realized it was the first time in years, literally more than a decade since I last felt like part of a family, since I felt like I had a home, home in the sense of a safe place to be with a family who cares. I missed that, without even knowing what was absent in my life I stumbled upon this gaping chasm that needed the laughter of a child, a sibling…a parent to fill. I will say this again for what feels like the millionth time, personal growth is hard, it hurts, frankly it sucks; but it is nice to slowly unravel my wants and needs, the messy enigma, wrapped up in an anomaly that I call my feels. Eek.

The rest of the day was amazing, my friend and companera Ada delivered an amazing speech where she implored each of us to imagine our friends and family were in the room with us, celebrating this remarkable day, the day that would mark the beginning of our days changing forever. In that moment I think almost all of us lost control of our tear ducts, spontaneous spasming resulting in that embarrassing, yet highly necessary salty, tepid water leaking from our eye regions. In that moment I imagined my closest friends and family celebrating with me what I feel has been my greatest accomplishment to date: the accomplishment of pursuing inspiration, of following my dreams for no other reason than because I want to change the world, even if it’s just changing me. I miss you all, and thank you for the endless support and love.

Because I am a sappy, sappy soul I will share one of the songs that has been playing on loop through my cabeza since I joined the Peace Corps. So many people before I went tried to prepare me for not being able to change the world, and trying to help me set realistic expectations for myself.

“One hand reaches out and pulls a lost soul from harm while a thousand more go unspoken for and they say what good have you done by saving just this one. It’s like whispering a prayer in the fury of a storm. And I hear them saying you’ll never change things and no matter what you do you will never change things, but it’s not the world I am changing, I do this so this world will know that it will not change me.

This heart still believes that love and mercy still exist, while the hatreds rage and so many say that love is all pointless in madness such as this it’s like trying to stop a fire with the moisture from a kiss, and I hear them saying you’ll never change things and no matter what you do you will never change things, but it’s not the world I am changing, I do it so this world will know it will not change me

As long as one heart still holds on then hope is never really gone. “

This morning before I went to the office for our ceremony I went to the market in Antigua to buy some flowers for our boss ladies. I ended up buying substantially more than I intended and spent the next half an hour passing the extra flowers out to people on the streets in Antigua. I know that didn’t change their lives, that interaction was a miniscule moment in the grand scheme of things, a blip on the radar of life, but in that fleeting moment I was able to offer that person a tiny bit of happiness, and we were able to connect, not as American to Guatemalan, volunteer to villager, but person to person, and that…that is something that matters.

Also, the title of this was a very inaccurate representation as I said almost nothing about swear in. Whoops.

I will add pictures as penance